i am hannah. almost 20 years old. 10th december 1989. quote: never really the end, it's the beginning.
i love: God, guobin!, fat cheeks, food, family, soft bed sheets, cuddling, shopping in thailand, banana muffins, scones with jam and ice cream, waffles with butter and honey, high heels that are comfy, feeling the wind when the car is moving, walking in the rain, the mentalist, hmm yes i love kissing woohoo for me, little surprises, a good book on a windy day, doodling in my notebook, lovely pretty notebooks, handwritten notes...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
First day of school tomorrow.
It's gonna be my last semester.
Feeling doom and gloom.
My ankles hurt. Yes both ankles. so stupid. I bought this new pair of wedge slip ons that are much higher than the rest of my other footwear. It's pretty stable. But while trying it on just now I lost balance and twisted the left, tried to gain footing again, and twisted the right and fell flat on my butt. LOL it was so comical. I sat on the floor laughing for a good minute because I felt so stupid! And, I bet I looked even worse. hahhaha. Lucky that I was in the house.
I still can walk, but both ankles feel slightly uncomfortable now. I think I pulled some muscles too. I hope tomorrow morning I don't wake up with two swollen ankles. It'll be reaaaaally weird to wear two ankle guards (which I totally won't - one word: UGLY).
I'm feeling tired. But not sleepy.
Thinking about lots of things. School, love life (or rather, lack of), what to do with my messy room, weight gain(YIKES), stupid ankle, never being able to find shoes that fit (more than half size difference between both feet), increasingly annoying small pimples that refuse to go away, friends: current friends, MIA friends, lsot friends, and so much more.
Recently, my parents and I have been discussing about seeing a specialist about my ankle. I know that it's already three years, and not much can be done. Maybe all I want is a peace of mind. I just turned 21. And I deal with pain every single day. Not being able to run, jump, squat. Having such weak muscles that I'm not able to build up because of the injury. It causes me to twist my ankle so easily. Oh gosh, not to mention the knee pain. I REAAAALLLY don't like knee twists. It hurts worse. I'm also starting to get lower back pain. The problems just never end.
The other day, Uncle Benny asked me what I'm going to do. Ten, twenty years down the road, it's highly likely that I'll get married and get pregnant. How is my ankle gonna cope with the stress? It set me thinking. Right now, I'm still coping. It's pain, pain, pain everyday. But I can still deal with it. I sorta got used to it. But, to make up for the weak left leg, I overcompensate with my right leg. It would surely break down one day too. What am I gonna do then? I don't know. It's so unsettling.
I know, no point crying over spilt milk. But anything to make it better I guess, I'm willing to do it. I never thought such a small part of the body would give me so much problems. The knees, the hips, muscles, back. I know I shouldn't let it affect me, but it still does after such a long time.
I keep thinking: what if I didn't get on that lorry, what if I didn't fall off? I know. The hollow bone was already in my ankle, people tell me that it was a blessing in disguise. That if I didn't fall off and fracture my ankle, I wouldn't have found out about the underlying issue.
But. I can't help thinking that if I didn't fracture my ankle, the hollow bone would have remained domant. It could have been another twenty, thirty years down the road that I find out about it. And I wouldn't have to deal with any of the things I deal with now. It's painful to think this way. Having to deal with the repercussions of the injury for the rest of my life.
So depressing.
Allowing myself to be depressed for now.
For now.
Gonna curl up in bed and watch some tear jerkers.
Night everyone.
1:02 AM
