It's been awhile everyone.
I don't think anyone reads anymore but it doesn't matter. I'm writing now to just get things off my chest.
I've been by myself for quite some time, at first it was tough since I believe I was overly emotionally dependent, then I started getting used to it, there was too many things happening all at once that it kept my mind of things I didn't want to think about.
And now, it feels like my life is in limbo. Not literally of course, it just feels so stagnant. It is nights like tonight that I fall into a sorta depressed and feel oh-so-sorry for myself mode. I guess everyone has their moments.
I review the choices I've made in the past, and I can't help but feel regret for some of those times. I have realized that there's a self preservation mode I slip into when I am at the crossroads of having to bare my self to another again. It was tough before, it's even tougher now.
It is so difficult now. I can't even explain how I go into lock down when things like these happen. I push people away, hoping to live encompassed in my security blanket. I like it safe. Never crossing the yellow line, not even being close to toe it.
People view me as the opposite of this, to others, I'm open, I am not a traditionalist, I can have platonic relationships with the opposite gender. It is true to a certain extent, but I never really open up, never really feel the need to bring down those walls.
It worked for awhile. But then it started making me weary. And that's when everything from my well crafted safe-house started crumbling. It crumbles, and I built it up again. An endless cycle, one that I'm still living in.
I know it's all water under the bridge, as the saying goes. But since that last bad breakup, I don't trust anymore. My perspective in life has changed. It is really amazing how one event in life can change your views forever.
To view the world with innocent eyes, believing in trusting others rather than doubting them, to view people based on their merits, and not judge them for their indiscretions. It's all changed. I'm wary of people now. Since having no expectations and trust in a person means no disappointment, no betrayal and no heartache, right?
I hate what I've become.
I hate that I can even hate.
I hate that I believe in the worse of people now.
I hate that I have unpleasant thoughts.
I hate that it doesn't bother me that much anymore when I hurt others.
I hate it all.
I always wonder at night, who can save me from this misery?
And if this person even comes, what decision will I make then?
I fear the loneliness, it gnaws at my consciousness and makes me aware of how alone I really am.
What frightens me even more is that I would rather be with my loneliness rather than open up and accept another.
As night comes, it leaves me again with this thought,
'Who can save me from this?'
